Vaheguru ji ka Khalsa Vaheguru ji ki Fateh
I have to share my story because I have no other choice but to share it. I am in desperate need for answers for my bibek....
I am going to give all that has happened to me.. because its a huge struggle for me..
I am 17 years old.. and I was blessed with amrit last july 6 at Toronto amrit sanchaar... I come from a family of the average Sikhs. What I mean about that none of my family members took amrit from Toronto amrit sanchaar..Never thought I could ever keep bibek.. People even told me to wait until august amrit sanchaar and to take amrit in New York... My dad spent several hours yelling at me and telling me that I couldn't take amrit from jatha because they kept bibek... But I was firm in that I wanted to take amrit from jatha. I was inspired by the saakhis and how people reached many spiritual heights from taking amrit from the jatha. I wanted to witness those miracles.. so he couldn't change my mind. In the beginning my family couldn't agree with me wearing a dastaar. Due to my personal attachment to a family I used to get really upset when my dad and my family didn't appreciate my dastaar.So bibek was really scary for me...I took amrit from jatha.. and my life changed for me.. and I was told by my panj to keep bibek.. But I didn't keep it until like 6 months later.. When it just so happened to be preordained that a mahapurash couple would stay at my house and take care of me because my parents had to travel somewhere..( secret mahapurashes) You know how secret gursikhs can be about their spiritual level.. so I called the couple pyaar naal bhai sahib jee and aunty jee.. Eating aunty's food and profound change came over my spiritual level.. I felt so much peace within my mind... Never did I feel so good.. And I dreaded my parents coming back.. and I didn't want to tell my parents..Due to this I went hungry for a few days.. and I was very upset that I had to do this all by myself.. No human saathi to assist me.. no body to help me.. I went kind of crazy with grief... and I tried calling a few bibeki gursikhs.. because my mom and dad kept on yelling at me because I was "hurting them" and being disrespectful.. and I became depressed. and eventually I talked to a gursikh family(a nice aunty would understood my grief)( local) and they said 2 big gursikhs were coming and they were good at explaining bibek.. And they could do a great job of explaining bibek to my parents...
So I kept my aaas on that and just kept on going... So eventually the day came and my parents and the two gursikhs were all eating langar in a nice big circle.. The gursikhs being the pyaar vale gursikhs that they were didn't try to offend my parents.. I being the insolent child made bold accusations at my parents.. I told them that they didn't keep pure vegetarian..( they ate out) and the gursikhs tried to explain. they said everything about bibek.. so I sat patiently... and I sat and I watched and hoped the gursikhs would do their job.. but it didn't work.. Because on the car ride home my parents didn't understand a thing that the gursikhs said.. they were completely close minded.. and then I went crazy with grief again.. There is a constant pattern of grief throughout this story of mine.. and then I told my dad.... and I had to say it this way.. There was no other way out.. it was either this or complete insanity..Remember I am not as mature as some of the adults in this world.. I couldn't handle my self or my life anymore...
I told him I am not the same as you are spiritually.. We are at different levels.....My dad gets angry at me because indirectly I called my mom impure.. I told him I can't eat the food because mumma doesn't do nitnem everyday.. and it doesn't matter if she does a million sehaj paaths.. that one time she ate meat.. and drank sharab.. that one time..and more than once..its a huge paap(sin) to drink wine.. it wipes away all of your good deeds... and eating the maas of an animal is not even close to right either.. .and I told him he is not better than me.. I told him I am tired of the fact that you think I am crazy.. ( which is funny because at that point I went really insane) I couldn't handle anything...Like I felt alone and without support.. I felt isolated, desolated.. and I could do nothing but pity myself.. and just you know what little girls do when their upset.. CRY.. and as I was crying I was saying I am at a higher spiritual level than you.. and that never wanted to say this. They said I did my mom's besti.. so nobody wants to listen to me.. and unless you are above 50 years old or if you are of the male sex people don't care about what I say... I get shrugged off as somebody going through any phase......Like its not like my parents are bad or anything.. they are great parents.. and I really don't want anybody to my real identity.. because I am sharing a lot... and too much.... but its the only thing I have left to do.. I left gurmatbibek as a last resort... for my problems with gurmat
So back to my life story....
I was crying and I told him that you think I am being disrespectfull. the only thing I am doing is not eating any of your food.. I cook my own food.. and blah blah blah.. .and all of that
and then he understood
And then wait! it gets worse
and he said okay okay..
and then a few weeks past by
and then somehow I convinced my parents to take amrit...
I told them their is an amrit sanchaar at X place..(not jatha) they aren't ready for the rehit..ithey asked me if i would eat my mom's food if she took amrit... and my dad was like drama karehgee....( like bibiyaa cry. so its hard to take them seriously) Me personally i do a lot of crying( so they don't love to take me seriously like ever..)>...because
and I sincerely thought I would
but then right at the moment( I had dubidha)
I had dubidha that things wouldn't go right... I had dubidha that the amrit wouldn't change my mom enough.. and my dubidha went exactly as I thought it would...
And my poor mom's worried Im gonna go hungry..
Ifeel bad for her
But at this point id rather go hungry than break bibek..
didn't bhai sahib bhai randhir singh live on naam..if he did than why on earth would guru sahib kill me..? right?Logic makese sense? right?
My mom complains to everybody on how I don't eat her food.. and I get told I should eat her food and she does all her path right.. but wait my life gets worse..
yet it has a bad effect on me.. not enough naam kamayee.. its enough to make my head feel like it is going to FALL OFF MY HEAD.. and make me feel like throwing up.. I feel nauseous right this SECOND..
Then I look back and think that what if I was a MAN.. how different how better would my life be..LIke my parents would not have the guts to mess with me if I were a man.. They wouldn't have it in them to talk to a guy the way they talk to me about my bibek or my everything..LIke if i were a guy i probably would punch a wall if i was upset. so then people would take me more seriously.. butVAHEGURU JI made me a bibi.. which i am suppose to accept as TERA KIYA MEETA LAGAI.. At this point HIS KEEYA.. is disgusting and bitter and i hate it that i am a girl... ..
. and this sexism within cultures I have witnessed and experienced firsthand from my own relatives.. I don't know if any man would know how it feels to experience this.. you would never know how it feels to be told that only men should wear dastaar and not female.. and you would never know how it feels for nobody to take you or your actions seriously..you would never know how it feels to be told that no man would ever want to marry you because you have a mustache on your face and bushy eyebrows.. You are too ugly..
since my life is even more terrible than words can say.. to top all of that off I have a severe underbite..enough to make me feel like terrible about myself...
getting major surgery this summer for that(side note)
I don't care about which man will marry me..because frankly my life doesn't revolve around dressing myself up( dolling myself) up for a guy.. I am MORE THAN A DOLL> I AM MROE THAN A DOLL! FOR THE LOVE OF VAHEGURU I AM A WOMAN! I AM MORE THAN A DOLL!
STOP TREATING ME LIKE I AM NOTHING! I AM A WOMAN!I AM IMPORTANT! VAHEGURU! I CAN PLAY TABLA IF I WANT TO!(been playing for a few years now) I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT A GUY DOES! I CAN BECOME A SURGEON IF I WANT TO! I can cook food too..i make like the oddest concoctions.. like i can make up a full meal in like 10 minutes.. and its not like ur roti sabzi daal. its like a weird.. but i make some pretty odd things.. and get by on that.. and when you really look at it.. i am soo healthy.. and i am living such a great lifestyle interms of health.. not luxurious but it works for me.. and it gets me by.....
---people of my culture don't get that woman can do all of that...I just am tired of being underestimated that i cant keep dastaar and i cant keep bibek.. and i can't do.. and i cant pursue my aspirations and dreams. and my passions.. of changing the world.. and doing seva for guru sahib.. i know seva in the house is great seva... i respect all bibiyaa that do all the seva in the house..but that wasn't meant for me..i know for sure.. avheguru ji made me differently from other bibiyaa( i know for sure)
I LOVE MEDICINE----- I LOVE TABLA------- I want to save lives for a living..--- i am passionate about becoming a surgeon.--- i love science..
So now back to bibek..soo my mom and dad took amrit.... and I cant eat her food.. I feel this overwhelming sense of nauseousness
My parents are going to yelll at me.. my uncle will scream at me.. my sister will yell at me.. and my grandparents will yell at me.. and the world will yell at me..
At this point idon'tcareidon'tcareidon'tcareidon'tcareidon'tcare
ANYMORE
so what to do now.. nothing left to do now..the only thing left is to become detached.. stop caring.. i want to become detached from the world.........but maya is attacking me.. and preventing me.... maya and the 5 dooth are hurting me a lot.....
I am done caring about the " feelings of my parents"
if they can't get over their egos and let me live my jeevan the way I want to live it that's their problem not mine..
I know its hard to think much of me because I am a 17 year old bibi..
but that's it
I don't want people knowing whom I am... and i don't want anybody to talk to my parents.. There is no change going to happen to them. or my parivaar.. there is no hope..
i can become detached. from the world.. increase my spiritual level that i won't feel this bad..
but until that happens what in the world should i do.. my spiritual jeevan takes a lot of ups and downs.. as iam tempted to eat icecream and packaged foods.. when i stay strong my jeevan goes up... but it PLUMMETS DOWN..cause i fall down.. alot.
I tried dukhbhanjani sahib..(constant dukhbhanjani sahib between classes).. and yet nothing in this terrible world seems to be enough for me..
I just hate this world so much.. I am sick of it.. and i can't bare it.. or deal with it..
its unforgiving and mean and hurtful.... and i don't feel much hope or aas for a better future from it
Vaheguru ji ka khalsa
Vaheguru ji ki Fateh...