The wait was the worst part of the day. We had been there since 10 and no one had shown up yet. I started to get nervous thinking that it might not happen and that I would be sent home without getting what I came for, but I knew it would happen. Eventually. I had already made up my mind, and I was absolute in my decision that today would be the day. So I sat in the room across the hall and started to think over what I was going to say. Before I knew it the pehredaar was standing outside the door with his sri sahib out for the world to see. It had begun. Before me were the first time initiates; no one came out with dry eyes. Eventually I found out that they had all been accepted; my nerves started to slightly calm. The pehredaar motioned to me to get up and prepare myself for what was to come. I rose up and went to the tap to wash my feet, hands, and face and stood before the pehredaar with a shaking demeanor. His smile felt somehow mocking; yet loving at the same time. As if he had seen many stand before him in my same position. I took his smile as a reassurance that I was not the only one on this path. That there had been many before me and many would follow. I held my hazooria in my hands before me; clenched so tight I could see my knuckles about to escape. The abhilaakhee before me came out with tears and looked up into my eyes while walking by. There was a happiness in those eyes, like the tears had washed away the tremendous weight on his shoulders. I looked at the pehredaar; there was no going back. He told me to look straight ahead and to bow down in front of Guru Sahib with the most humility I could conjure. I was told not to look at the Panj Pyare, but to keep my concentration on Guru Granth Sahib. The call came from within. My time had come.
I cannot reiterate what was said in that place, or in that time. Even if I had the words, I would still be lost as to where I should start. All I remember is the vacuum like atmosphere and how the silence muffled out my thoughts, and the tears that blurred my vision. I was speechless in the awe of the moment. All I can tell you is that I was forgiven, that I was finally free from my bonds of separation, and that I had received permission to continue my mission.
More waiting followed, but this time it was a peaceful wait. We had all been either accepted or forgiven and we tried to do as much Paath in the time leading up to our consummation. The time had come and we were called in by the pehredaar.
We all walked in with complete silence, and bowed our heads to the perfect Guru. The Panj Pyare told us to concentrate on the Amrit jal and listen to the Bani being recited. Back and forth the Khanda went, resonating the vibrations throughout the room. I started swaying back and forth with the movements of the Khanda, and my eyes were again blurred with tears of separation. I could almost taste the oncoming sweetness in air. The Ardaas was done. The nectar was ready.
The first time initiates went first. One by one, they were all administered immortality. When the Guru taught them the vidhi of Naam Abhiyaas, it was like they were finally remembering something they already knew how to do. I was last in line, and I started to vibrate with the Naam being given to the initiates. Tears in my eyes I went up to my Guru. I begged for his mercy and the Panj Pyare smiled in my direction. I was given the nectar and the tears in my eyes were flowing uncontrollably. I started to shake and close my eyes, and Guru Sahib put his hand on my back. Whispering in my ear he told me everything I wanted to hear. Into my soul he reached deep down and shook me from the inside out. I started to vibrate with so much vigor, I lost my senses and my Preetam put his hand on my head. He pushed the Naam through my body till every pore was vibrating to his rhythm. Placing my head at his feet, he freed me from the chain of birth and death.
My soul sisters came to pick me up. Taking me in their embrace, they shared with me the love they had in their hearts. Showering me with blessings, they brought me back to my body. We swayed in his rang. We were finally dead. Dead at the sword, we were born again.
(Written by Daas).
ਸਤਿਗੁਰਬਚਨਕਮਾਵਣੇਸਚਾਏਹੁਵੀਚਾਰੁ॥